THE TRY: Poem

Hurt and Love

The time isn't easy

wild argues 

about ego.

 

A lonly house, 

my brother and mother desert US. 

My dad and sister 

looking silent. 

BROKEN

Heart, Family and Brain

HURTS

Anywhere is this boy, 

a friend, 

afraid of being honest

I'm crushed. 

complicated situation

We are friends

I LOVE him

his eyes, lips and character

Feelings 

are a bomb

wide range of colours

happy, love, sad, impressed, 

angry

EVERTYTHING!

can't order it

1000 in one brain, 

one moment, 

Love and Hurt combined. 

At the moment this is my situation, I won't talk with hunderts of letters about this trouble in my life. Maybe I was able to express my feelings with you with that poem and you track why I have taken the time until I wanted to share this with you. I needed time for talking, thinking and reacting with the big change. 

I know I'm not a poet with a lot of poetry and rhymes, nevertheless I learned that the poetry let us share things in a different way and we can interpret in words that a lot. Furthermore every person would handle different and the transdission from this feelings are different. As you know I'm always open for advice. 

The TRY: knitting for winter

Who doesn't love it knitted things of the grandmother no matter if socks, beanies or scarfs. We love handmade knitted things. 

a triple to large scarf and the compatible headband

A lot of humans have this typical picture of somebody who knits: A knitter should often be a old lady, maybe grandmother, the wools are on the ground and maybe there is a cat playing with that wool. 

It's a huge prejudice that only old woman can knitting great things and they are good in it. I won't say that I'm a good knitter but I love knitting in the winter time. Since last year's winter where I tried to knit because I wanted to save money. Today I know when you are knitting you don't really save a lot of money, because when you madde things by yourself you are looking a lot more for quality than when you buy something finished in a clothing store. 

It's ok that the price could be simular like them in stores nevertheless you definately have a better quality and this is worth a mint. I promise you self made knitted things are the best, no matter if from a friend or the grandmoter, mother. 

when you know the basics of knitting left and right stitches you have the best requirements, a little bit of exercise and it'll work. Bandanas are great for the beginning because you see early a result where you can be proud of. Somehow I like headbands more than hats, whereas I have more a headband face.

four out of five bandanas

 

 

Learn knitting could be difficult at the beginning. Some weeks ago I tried to adduce two of my classmates knitting and they had their problems with it. The stitches wouldn't stay on the needels. For me it was quite funny to watch boys fighting with the knitting needels and stitches. Nevertheless they did their best and the attemp wasn't that bad. For me watching youtube videos about knitting helped a lot. So you can rummage the youtube stage or if you like that I show you some basics it would be great when you write me a message that I'll know that. 

In the interim for me knitting is the best occupation alongside watching TV, going by train or even in my school lessons. It sounds quite funny, I know, knitting in school, and I have to admit it is. A lot of classmates or teacher looking to you and grins, some students have already asked if I could make them something. My seatmate will sometimes be called from my teacher because he's watching the knitting thing on my desk. He says when I'm knitting it reassures him. In addition to that me either.  

What do you think it is great that young people like you and I like knitting or is it something for old ladies? What would been your reaction when you saw me knitting in a train or in school? 

In the following you can see my very first toque which I've began twice to knit, the first result was terrible. The toque is a little bit too big for my head but what of it? It's my first toque.

my very first toque

THE TRY: a new operating system

I had had Windows since quite a while, my parents use this operating system, my grandparents. We can say my whole family has used Windows. I had used Windows for more than a decade. That is a pretty long time. When I had bought my own laptop around one year ago, I also bought it with that operating system.
When I'm looking back, I have to admit that I was a stupid girl who had no knowledge about that the Windows 10 will be rubbish for her. The  label which she wanted, either.
I has lived with that decision. So I still have an ACER laptop. Nevertheless, the recent operating system of Windows is history. There were a lot of reasons why I delected this software system costing around $100 or more. I doesn't want to kick off a discussion, so everybody has to thinking of which operating system will be the best for this human. What I want to tell you is my experience with another operating system which I has have around one months.

This operating system one you may heard of computer freaks.
LINUX
It is an free and open source operating system which has various user interfaces. You can find there what you need and a big point is only what you need. I haven't had preinstalled unsence programms like ten simular video players or you can try for one month and later you have to pay for. Everything you need you can install and there are a lot of really good open source programms, I promise.

 

The linux version I have is a ubuntu one, there your have something like on the smartphone the 'playstore'.

There you can download a lot of software.

 Another version of downloading something is per terminal and there somebody who has no knowledge about this operating system could think that you are a hacker.  I decided that my terminal have a pink lettering and a little bit of green which you don't see there. My computer is able to multitasking because I write this post while the update and it's working as fast as.

Softwareupdate (don't know what the computer really do)

For me it was a computerization because this design is so simple and you haven't to search programms out of hunderts. It was wothwhile though the switch takes hours because my computer had his problems instead bios an uefi and so on.

 Since the day friends of mine installed this operating system I has had a conlusion: For me Linux is the best operating system I could have. I've learned since that how to handle with a terminal. It's an easier way to install and reinstall things while doing womething else and it's a lot more quicker than click at every bottom hundert times. Every important software you can put left in the menu and you'll allowed to invoke this programm right now, instead of going to the startscreen.

Maybe I'm a nerd but is save a lot of time. If you want you can invoke every software with theterminal and work there.( I'm not that kind of person).
Which operating system do you have and is there something you don't like about it?

Things I want to do in SUMMER!

It's already summer time and I'm nerved of my depressing thinking and Feeling. That's the reason I haven't post anyting until the last weeks, because I wouldn't depress you as I am.

Summer is in front of our housedoor. It's a wonderful time where is no space for depressing People. So I'll have to take the head up and lock away this thoughts. The idea is that I'll writing a list with a lot of things I want to do in summer. If I'll be bored anytime this summer, there are ideas for things I could do. That is no list with goals I want to reach this summer, it's only a list with a lot of things they could be a lot of fun and an Experiment for me. All in all: Plenty of crazy things.

1. Sew a Dress

Ok, I have to admit that that Point is on my goals for 2016 list. Nevertheless, I love this idea really much and so I list it.

2. Sleep for one night in the hangmate

Maybe you ever lied in one at the evening when the sun goes down and the dark blue sky with the thousands of stars on it Comes over you. That is a fantastic Feeling and you have a Special Connection with the nature. So the question is if this Connection is also so Special when you spent the whole night in a hangmate.

3. Ask strangers questions

People who know me, know that it is difficult for me to be open at strangers. That could help me for Training my self considence and openess.

4. Buy a Dirndl

A Dirndl is a traditional bavarian Dress. I live in Bavaria and haven't one! That's a pitty. So it would be great when I'll have one for several parties.

5. Change the room decorate

This summer I'll get a new ground for my room because now I have a blue carpet with yellow curls. So in my opinion it's also time for new decoration.

6. Take Pictures

I love photos. You can express your Feelings with them in a really wonderful way without saying anything.  What I Need is nice photos of myself. The ones I shoot the last half year weren't that good and there I've had my bracelets.

7. Do a good Job

I have a Student Job. The worktime is at the Weekend or in the Holidays. I love this Job, so I like to do it good and with a lot of fun. It is like a really big Family.

8. Read books

I've talked with my classmates and they were wondered why I've never read books like "the hitchhicker's guide to the Galaxie". So I've said them, that I'll do that at the Holidays. In one weeks I'll have my summer break, so time come.

9. Ice cream

What is summer without ice cream? Nothing, right! I could eat a whole ice cream box which you can buy in supermarkets. That could be fun, but also pain after eating.

10. Relax

No, Lea you won't relax on the Couch inside of the house! The last weeks you were a real couchpotato, now it's time for you to go out and discover the world. You can relax at a lake. How you can go there? I mentioned that you have a bycicle, right? Drive it.

THE TRY: Understand ingredients

After two or three weeks I finally publish a post. The reason is that I have at the moment a time where I want to do things but can't do them, anything discourage me. When I come home, the first and last thing for this day is lying in bed and read a book. Homework, my blog and so on nothing I couldn't have do. It sounds really strange. Ok, I won't bore you with my silly reasons for not posting anything. Let's start with this post.

My nivea cream

Maybe you are a person who asked the same question like me, what the hell are these ingredients from the cosmetic products. There stand complicated words nobody will understand them without any chemistry knowledge. I have chemistry since two years but the only thing I've understand before my researches is Aqua. In Addition to that I've started my researches about These complicated names on the bottom of my Nivea cream. It was a surprise for me what effect the ingredients have. If you are interested, should read the following text. This is a German nivea cream but I think nivea have taken the international names for the ingredients.

Aqua:

As I said,I've knewn before the research. It's water. How spectacules.

Paraffinum Liquidum:

This one is a byproduct of petroleum production. In Addition to that it's an oil. I've learned in Chemistry that oil is a hydrocarbon with the typical characteristics of fat-loving and water hostile.

Furthermore it's antistatic and make your skin smooth and soft. Another effekt is that this substance protect your Skin however it also can clog your pores.

Cera Microcristallina:

It's also a hydrocarbon, but in another form than before. It is about a mineral wax named Ester ( in Germany). The Task for it is to bind the ingredients and dull the cream.

Glycerin:

It's also a substance I've learned in Chemistry thought I haven't known what it search in a cream. Glycerin has a simular effekt like the ingredients listed above. Furthermore is can dry out your skin.

Lancolin Alcohol: is a emulsifier for water and oil.

Phanthenol:

The effect for the Skin of panthenol is smothing, regenerative, protecting, elastic and promotional for cell neoplasm.

Magnesiumsulfate:

One question I asked myself when I'Ve read it is why they industry done in their creams a substance that make the hair easy to comb. It makes more sence in conditioner or Shampoo but not in a facial cream. Magnesiumsulfate spreads easily the cream in your face.

Decyloleate:

Is a substance that care your skin and supple it.

Octyldecanol:

The effect is also suppleness. Furthermore Octyldecanol is a solvent and parfum the cream.

Aluminium Sterate:

The Name says it it is a Aluminium compound which is water solube. These ingredient prevents sticking together, make durable the cream and it's a dye stuff for the cream.

One thing we should know about Aluminium in cosmetic products and in gerneral is that it could damage the nerves, you can get Skin irritations and can clog your pores.

Some studies says also that Aluminium could be carcinogenic. For this reason we should be careful with it.

Citricacid:

Let the cream looking good, because of the metal ion binding. Citricacid inhibit the smell of the cream and stabilized the ph value.

Magnesuim Sterate:

This Sterate also prevents sticking together of the whole cream. Furthermore it increases the water of the Skin and dye the cream.

Limonene:

Limonene it is like a parfum, inhabits the smell of the cream and cover these smell with another.

Geraniol:

You may also take it as Aroma for backing. Makeing a pleasant skin Feeling and parfum ther cream is the mainly effect of Geraniol.

Hydroxcitronneal:

It's a parfum that have the smell of flowers.

Linalool:

Linalool have a slightly effect like Deodorant for the user of the cream. Deo for the face? Strange Things exist.

Citronellol:

It's also a parfum.

Benzyl Benzoate:

It's a solvent with the side effect of cleaning the Skin from bacteria and parfum the Skin.

Cinnamyl alcohol:

Another really strange thing about the ingredients is this substance. It improve the taste of the cream.

The question is who eat a facial cream that it have to tast good? Have anybody of you at the other side of the world behinde the sceen done it? I doubt that but if yes, thell me if a cream taste good.

Parfum:

Ok, everybody know parfum.

This research have shown to me that the ingredients are an really important thing of the cosmetic industry. I mean in this Little one are a lot of things in that we don't need in creams. I buy a cream since I think it's good for my dry skin and there is a Need for. The ingredients Show to me that the mainly cream component is alcohol and any type of parfum. I'm disappointed because creams aren't as good as for the skin, I thought before the research. What do you think about this Little ingredients secret?

THE TRY: Fashion

That is the third post about Fashion and my wardrobe. A few months ago I have already done two Posts about Fashion. If you are interested in them click here and there.

In both of the Posts I showed you clothers I really like and what's Special about them.

Another year, another months but the same toppic: Fashion.

I have a tiny Little wardrobe but every time I find new Things. All my clothers have a history. Already written or the Story behind will be written.

By the way: When I write Posts you can be sure that nothing is sponsored by anyone.

Especially now it could be really difficult to be sponsored because all These Things have a certain age. No idea where they were bought and how expensive they are.

Have you clothers with a Special history?

That is the communion jacket from my dad. I have no idea how old it is really, there is only a date at the button writing and it says the year 1859. Nevertheless I think that is improbable. The age must be around 30 to 35 years. My grandmother bought for the last son, my dad, of the Family a new suit and that one out of Velvet now hangs in my closet. In comparison my dad had to be as tall as me when he had his communion with around eight years. I fit the jacket with 16  years though the trousers is to short. Do you like this real vintage jacket?

I haven't knew that I have a red blouse. That is knew for me, however I found it and have to admit it is striking but quite nice. You will  be definately noticed by everyone. It's colourful and worth a try, I think. The tie with the car looks perfect to this red blouse. The pattern have also red Units. The tie I would Need for some class photo and carnival a few years ago.

Here you can see another blouse. Around one year ago I've found this boring White blouse at a place in the house where we've done our clothers we didn't Need anymore. I liked it but this Cloth was sober White, in my eyes boring. For this reason I've decided to sew a pink Polka dots tape on the placket and the shoulders. Now it's simple but not boring.

Two years ago I thought I Need dungarees and it's cool to wear. Since I had bought them they were not even worn and were Forget in the closet edge. Randomly now it fallen into the lap. Today I also think it's cool to wear. Ok, yes I know two years earlier it was the trend but I promise that will become trend again. Dungarees always stiyish.

THE TRY: How long can I stand without my phone?

That isn't voluntary. A few days ago my phone came to the period it is doing what it wants. I couldn't do anything anymore. That Feeling is really upset when you know save Money is a big Point in your life and you have no buget for a new one.
Now my Smartphone is in repairs, but that could take three weeks! The good message is that my phone is shortly before warranty has expired, so when I have luck, I haven't to pay anything.

Three weeks without phone, WhatsApp, Instagram, my library ebooks, Spotify on road! Death is near, hopefully not.
The worst Thing until know is I don't know what time is it. The last few days, I had no Alarm clock or watch. Everytime I had to ask someone else for the time, because my personal time assesment is bad. No matter if it passes five minutes or half an hour, in my mind it should be always another time than that maybe one hour or so.

Now at the Moment I miss my phone and only three days bygone. I'm not allowed to take my old one, because it's also no longer awakesns. Does anyone have the same Problem? Whenever you Need something that won't work.

It's strange that you don't take your phone everywhere. I search it all the time, because I think I forgot it. My left pocket is so empty without it and what I have now for looking which time is it? My old Alarm clock always come with me that I will know the time. These black oblong, my
accompanist for the time without Smartphone.

The question that would be asked is: Is a smartphone really so necessary, that we can't live without it? Confessedly I think that a Smartphone is important in our lives, because we can do a lot of  different Things on it. Especially in my Generation and the following  has difficulty to put aside the phone for a while. We want to be well informed with the News from our friends and the whole world on road, manage Things by the way at way to School or waiting time. It's awkward ant takes time to wait until home for phone with the People or reading the newspaper. A Generation that does a lot of Things at once. I miss that. Waiting time is boring without Special applications on the phone and when a friend takes the same Train I can't give modest where I'm sitting in it. The Feeling you aren't well informed about the world get bigger every day by day.

I'm sure that a lot of humans are wondering what is happened to me. Nevertheless nothing happened to me, only my phone is in repairs.

I'll take here a photo in the near future, because they were all on my phone. So I'll have to search.

The TRY: Snowboarding

Maybe you remameber that I've written a New Year's Goals List 2016 at the start of this year. I've told you that one Point of aims for me is to learn to ride a Snowboard. Last week I had this Chance and would like to share my experience with everyone who is reading this post.

The Ski camp for the whole grade was in Südtirol(south tyrol), it's the northern part from Italy. The drive to that place was Long, because our bus was Standing in traffic jams for around three hours at the German - Austria border. The Hotel we stayed was ok, but the meals they cooked tasted really good. So that it doesn't matter how the Hotel is looking, when the Food is great, everything is great.

So let's talk about the Sport aspect. Have you ever done a beginner's Course in Skiing or Snowboarding? I've do both. Ski Course was five years ago, but after this I haven't stand up on Ski again.

When you a break before you've starded snowboarding

To begin ride a Snowboard is really exhausting. I have no pictures where I'm trying to ride this board. Luckily I don't know how it must be looking when I've fallen down the ground all day Long, all day Long the same Thing. Ride around four meters, than trying to do a carve and fail. Stand up and the last sentence will be repeated. I was such unmotivated after four days, everything hurt you.You will have such an aching at the belly and your tights. Nevertheless not only the aching is hurting, you also have big blue bruises. I have had bruises at my knees and at my butt. Please guys, don't laugh at this Point. Six days in a row snowboarding for a beginner may is not the best idea ever.

However, I'll practise snowboarding in the new future. I love it with all that hurt at the beginning, it is a lot of fun whenever you are Standing longer than five meters on the board and ride it. A Problem was that I've drived really slowly, because I didn't want to fall down. Exactly that was the fault I made.

The weather there was variable, one day we had around fifteen degrees celcius, another around zero degrees celcius.

All in All that Ski camp was a great experience and I'll never Forget the memories.

A little bit cloudy but enjoyable. 

The blue sky say everything, it was really warm at this day.

restricted view because the fog.

The TRY: Fight against GREASY hair

My hair

The dream of every Girl is to have everyday hair like the gril with the Dress in the Picture. In real the hair is looking like in the first picture. In some days better than in other. We always wake up in the morning and think one more time. OMG my hair is Standing in every Destination like I've touched in the power Point.

Some People says that I've luck with my hair. You can see in the picture, that my hair is really fine and so it gets greasy faster than other hair types. I have my hairstyle around fifteen centimeters longer than my shoulder. Every second day I've greasy hair because I don't wash my hair every single day. That need time, I haven't.

This hair is the dream of every Girl.

Another aspect I only wash my hair three times a week is that my hair breaks by a daily hairwash. How often do you take a hair wash?

Often it could be really hard when you know that your hair is greasy. I have so often a big Bad Hair day, and than you try to hide and want that all the tips against greasy hair works but in the most time they don't work with your hair. Greasy hair isn't pretty and the Feeling is horrible. However I have to admit that I have often greasy hair, also when I wish not.

So much Things I've tried in my lifetime against this Problem. Which works and which not so good have to find out everybody by herself.(Boys it is seldom that you have this Problem) Here are a few Options I've tried out and the experience I have had.

One thing that works by slightly greasy hair is to make a ponytail with help of the brush and Bobby Pins. Perfect your ponytail so Long until you think it Looks ok. Although the Problem is that could need a lot of time in front of the mirror. It also works with the bun and tiny Little linkages.

A Long time I've taken my shower always warm. Since last month I wash my hair with middle temerature and the greasy is better now.

My Baby powder

Dry Shampoo can be found in every Drogerie. We have a wide range of them and they work. Nevertheless have they two negative aspects. The first one is I use them around five times and than they are empty. Everytime when you need them they are empty, because the five times already happend. Furthermore the Price Performance in my eyes is expensive when you need them often.

A good alternative for me is. Baby Powder. I've paid around two euros and have it for one and a half year. It is really cheap. My experience Shows me that it has a simular effect to my hair like the dry Shampoo, because that works also with Little poweder. You can use theoretical every powder also flour that you use for baking whatever you want. In normal every powder works simular, but there are also differences. The best in my opinion for me is this Baby powder in the picture.

I know that I won't have hair like the Girl one day but after the tries for years I know now what helps my hair with greasy and what not so. Sometimes I Combine the powder and the ponytail because Supplement themselves.

                

                                                                                                               

The TRY: Structure with a planer

 I've became this time manager from a friend. She bought it in her holidays in Netherland. I can't speak or write dutch but the simple days are easy to learn. Maybe you already read in my Goals for year 2016 post that I want to bring in 2016 more structure in my life.

It's terrible, I always have excuses that I haven't to do something. For example: Learn for School. Tomorrow is also a day I can do this. Or I would like to write a post on my blog but no, I'm to tired. Everyday the same excuses. Tomorrow is also a day. Really?

My grandma always said to me: What you can today don't move it on tomorrow.

I think this words are so true. Of Course we have tomorrow but when we don't do a thing today, could we really belive that it's tomorrow done? No, there is a doubt.

It's a really big goal for me and it means to go out from my comfortzone. Live the life and not I'm alive and have a life.

The time manager will help me dealing with the time and the aims I set. No more excuses, you have it black on white.

Something that might be interesting for you stranger at the other side of the Screen:

I've timed (that sounds funny) that every Monday latest Tuesday a new post will be on my blog. I have the Weekend before this deadline and so my Brian can think about something whole two days. In these days the most interesting Things happens of my student's life and this get myself ideas for the blog.

A Little bit late but also with much love I wish you a greatful and succesful year 2016.

Happy New Year!

THE TRY: Fashion

One more time I will show you a few things out of my tiny little wardrobe. Every clother has his own history. The stories are absolutely different and matchless. Before I will start two questions: Do you think it's silly that every clother in my wardrobe has his own story?  Would you want to hear them? 

I asked this because of you are strangers. Our bridge is my writing and you read all this stuff, therfore is your mind important for me.

What you can see? The typical Pullover everyone have to love. My love is it to buy such pullovers in the Boys Collection. Their Pullovers are mostly nicer than by girls and the problem of to short cuted clothers won't exist anymore.  

A funny thing especially with this pullover in the picture is, that my dad has the same one. The difference is two sizes bigger. Therfore sometimes when I don't show which size is it I wear Dad's one. Sorry Dad.

The next one, here to see in these two pictures, is a black shirt. Like you can see in the right handed one my belly is looking out of the window. This shirt is sadly a little bit to short. If I say that, I would like to cry. One of my favourite shirts is to short for me. I don't know out of which material the shirt is but you can wear it so great. The Skin feel is perfection. Only wow. This clother is the perfect example that it is looking so normal, nevertheless it's something special for me.
(It wasn't my Intention to show you my belly. Please ignore that. )

 

 

A friend told during a Shopping trip that I had to wear this. The days before I haven't had dreamt to wear something like this one day. My friend said the truth: It's right for me.

Sorry for the bad quality of the photos but the sun in these days isn't my best friend. She always run away.  

THE TRY: Fashion

I've already told about the clothers of my wardrobe and that I want to start a project. Show you my clothers, however they are from the deepest edge or my favourites. It doesn't matter. Write about Fashion without any knowledge and you may know that I am definately not a fashionvictim. Only a sixteen year old girl who loves wearing a pair of Jeans and a big pullover over it. Yes, that's my style, very interesting. But let me start with outfits I love but for the daily life in School it's nothing for me.

In this Picture I am wearing a normal shirt and a flowerd skirt. The combination is really sportive but also elegant. Therfore perfect for every event you don't know before which kind of it it is. What do you think? Would you wear this combination?

Here also me, I know my knees are stupid and ugly but we couldn't Change it. This pink purple flowerd touched Dress is fixed by a Little black belt, on grounds that the clother is to big for me. Yes, I bought it one number bigger, because that was the only they had and I've already searched for a Dress for weeks or months. I like it, no matter which size. That isn't the world's end.

Now we are coming to one of my definately favourites in my wardrobe. I love this outfit so much. It's a classicer, black and White but also something extravagant.  

I am wearing a black pants with an black and white squared blouse. It's sleeveless and you can make a bow at the top of it. I love these blouse, it has something different to normal ones and show you that it is something beautiful.

The TRY to be cool

I think everyone know that you want to be cool. The same here by me. I'm not cool, because of whenever I meet new humans I may like or I don't know them really good, I want to be cool. On grounds that I want that they like me, too. That's the Problem everytime I have the wish that I am cool, I'm surely not cool. No matter always the same, it's like my Body is programmed intentionally do distressing Things. Really I wish me at this time that the ground would be open with a big hole and I go in it. I promise you I'm not a Drama queen but please bann me in the rainforest. The Thing is so embrassing and distressing, that I don't want to talk about it.

Here this text is writeing a Loser. I am one beause I'm craven. My Body was doing something against my mind and I'm to craven to tell it while I was hopeing nobody had seen it or will recodnice it. Why always the same this Things happen to me by humans I like and won't be a loser in their presence?Makes that sence? I mean by persons it doesn't matter myself nothing like that happens.

You know, I'm craven. Therfore I want to excuse me with that post by you. I don't know what I have to do. I'm to craven to say it to you eye by eye. Here I know the Chance that you read it is not high. It doesn't make sence to excuse me here but I don't see other Options because of my craveness.

I'm so sorry that I've done it. However it was suddenly there and it couldn't stop. Now I'm thinking the whole time if I had.... . It happened, I wished I could turn the time back but I can't. I hope so there aren't any spots. Please take my excuse.

The try to be cool went into the pants, in literally. Don't know how often I've said this but it's so distressing.