STRESS

Christmas stress, I think everybody knows that normal kind of stress before the christmas eve. Hunderts of presents want to be packaged and finding the right present for your sister, mother, father or a friend could be so difficult. We love all these people and want to see this bright smile in their face when they'll open the gift of us. Nevertheless we students doesn't have so much money that we are allowed to buy the perfect one which could be expensive, than the alternatives have their chance and these thinks in the store for the lower buget. I've already bought the most presenst two weeks ago and I'm really happy about that. Now, I only have to make the selfmade presents however is that also work.
Knitting a scarf and bandana until Christmas eve is a challenge. The time is running. Though I have to sew a bag, too.
Albeit my life isn't that 'looking forward to Christmas' at the moment. Since two weeks claim the school from me everything. Within these days it's the reason why I wasn't allowed to write here something. I had two exams last week which were horrible for me. This week I've written three exams in the space of two days. When i'll get them back, they wont be a good grade. It's so annoying!

the weekend persuit

Aside from that I have to write a project paper about ten sites until thursday. Actually a classmate celebrated his birthday at the weekend but since Friday 4pm I was living in the cellar for writing this project paper. My nerves were frazzled, hardly any sleep and the science that I'll have to learn for the exams either. I haven't been finished with this project paper because the layout makes problems, when than the pdf data won't work at 2am is it quite a bilious temper.
In case if you'll have one day such a situation, the dart board is a good agression. Normal my darts land anywhere in the room two meters far away from it but at this 2am my darts were like in a wonder on the dart board, all of them!!

I've only taken all darts and look they are on the board

So than we have normal christmas stress, school stress but there is also a third stress which I have for plenty of time. My parents. They are like enemies especially before Chrismas or Birthdays. They have so much stress with each other. It's so inksome for me, they handle like little childs and argue often. It's a reason for no drinking alcohol. A lot of friends had already asked my why not but I haven't wanted to say anybody this with my broken family. I'm afraid of drinking and than saying anybody it, because it hurt my heart to much. Nevertheless now before Christmas it's worst. They can't give each other the hand and looking in the eyes. My mum have their midlife crisis and alleg my dad an us (the childs) everything we ever done wrong in their eyes. Or even what she had done for us. I only want that that nightmare will end. Yes, at the moment for me it isn't important which solution but I want that they'll find one with which everybody can live. I'm afraid of saying all these things about my family when I drink some alcohol, because I know that I get fast drunken. Sometimes I wish I only can open my heart in real and say how I'm feeling to people I love because they are my friends but than I would say a friend that I'm not sure if I have feelings for him. Yes, I'm afraid of getting a more broken heart than now, because my best friends for a long time hurted me.

Nevertheless I with you all a great Christmas time and hope you don't have this stress like me. If yes, I'll always have an open ear for you. You only have to contact me, it could be a little bit research on my blog but i promise it works.
Sorry last time my English isn't that great.

I'm alone!

A few days ago, I've got a message form my best friend. This one said the following because I translated it in English:

Hey Lea,

We have to talk urgent. Like now, we can't go on....in the last month something changed and we developed us into different directions. At myy Point of view I have to say I don't have the Feeling that we match good. I don't know how you see this or if you recodnized any changeing. If you want we can talk personally, but I Need distance to our friendship and to you. Don't take it so much to heart. Sometimes that is life, People develope into different directions. I'm sorry.

This Person is mybest friend! That isn't all, I know her since I'm a Baby. Later she said, we have to talk with the other ones, too and together. The Thing is, that they ignore me since the Weekend like we don't know each other. This Feeling is sooo amazing(not). They'll ignore me until the time we will have talked, but there is a big Problem: They don't have time! I know my best friends won't read this post (they don't know about this Little place in the Internet) nevertheless it's a message for them.

You know, I don't like to talk about my Feelings, just it have been already time for it. I didn't tack to you so that you have to tack me because I thought: It will be allright. I'm really sorry, I don't know when we will talk about it respectivily if there is anything else. One Thing is certain, I'm afraid of loose you all as my best friends only I didn't talked about Things they have been important. I understand when you Need distance to me, nevertheless it is difficult to cope with that for the following weeks and so on. I don't know which behaviour to you, if you don't want any contact at this 'break' or not. Simple and easy I don't know anything.

I know I have changed at the last month and not into positive, the opposite. You said our friendship has changed, and that won't match. I've Feeling alone in the last month, I'll try to explain it.

First you all found fast friends at your new Schools for me that wasn't so easy. I like many of my classmates and get along well but it takes times until I open myself to new humans and I'll tell them my friends. Honestly I can say now, that I've found humans in my class which I'll say friends to them in the near future. I'm not jealous, rather I'm dissatified with myself. I though you haven't Need me anymore. With the time we have done more and more less together, since you did rather something with your new friends, I knew that. Instead of asking you if we could do something together, I have waited until you did it. It's Coward of me, but you often hadn't time because you said that you would done something with this friend or this one.

You have told me less, also if it were Little Things that would collect by time. I have had the Feeling you don't trust me anymore altough it's ok for me when you haven't talk everytime to me, your trust get more less and less in me. I'm not up to date in anything out of our lives, because you haven't had talked to me. I wanted to talk to you but you haven't been interested in with no listening. That were the Moments where I decided for me to withdraw and wait for better days until my own Frustration will be gone. Now, I'm sitting here with a hankie and with unbeliveably fear loosing you. I'm alone without best friends.

My speech for your funeral....

Actually I wanted to post about something funny and happy, but something bad happened. It doesn't work to write today anything other. I'm sorry for the sad Feeling talk on this blog.

I hope after I'll written about it I'll process it better.

In the morning today I ate my breakfast. Like every day my mother was coming in the Dining room and the first Thing she did was turn on Radio. I hate it especially because at this time it advts and than the News. It said: " Last night at 22.30 pm a 38 years old man had a tragic deadly car accident where he crashed into a tree....." I can't remember each word exactly. I thought nothing about it and was on the way to go, put the shoes on.

Than we received a phone call from my grandmother.

My mother listened to her and the first Thing she said was Fuck! My mind thought something is with my grandfather, because he has diseases that could be problematic. The second thought something is with any other Person I don't know. A few Moments later she asked her who was dead? Than I asked my mum who was dead, because I was in hurry to leave the house. Jürgen was the answer. For Explanation it's my uncle.

He is dead!

Nevertheless I went out the house to my bus and than to School, because I couldn't stay at home. With tears in my eyes I went to the bus Station and met a friend. Than I was in School, in this Situation it doesn't mattered me if anyone saw me like that. I'm not strong enough to be alone with my Family at home. School was ok, my seat neighbours I said: " Please entertain me today, it doesn't matter what shit you say, only talk. " That diverted me a Little bit. In lesson it was though to concentrate at the spelling of the teacher. Again and again the tears came to the daylight. The most though lesson was English, because we watched a film about Queen Elisabeth's father, I think it was George the 6th. The film had a lot of sad Music but nobody was dieing. After School as soon as I was alone my tears wouldn't stop. So there was me, a crying gril Walking through the Shopping mall.

The tears continue until now.

I don't know if I'm allowed to hold this speech at the funeral of my uncle but I know to write this words down will help me a Little bit.

Maybe a big part of you don't know me and never heard anything about the Connection with Jürgen and the sixteen year old Girl that is Standing in front of you, here at dais. Hello, I'm Lea and the niece of him. Confessedly I haven't saw Jürgen for a long time, it could be around summer or autumn last year. So it was some years. We hadn't much contact for years.

He was then when I was a Little child my favourite uncle. At this time he lived by my grandparents. Every time when I visited them the first thin I had to do was crying and searching "hugen". I called him hugen, because the pronounciation Jürgen was to difficult for me. When he didn't answered and everybody said he wasn't at home, I had to go upstairs to his room and convince myself from his Absence. Nobody was so importat at the visit like him. I'm sure sometimes the others were jealous, because when he was at home I monopolized him and only wanted to do something with him.

I can't say a lot, you haven't known yet.

However, one Statement no adult can judge. He was a fantastic uncle for me, presumably my siblings assess it because the contact wasn't big the last years.

However I think it's ok when I say in General he was a great Person.  

Rest in peace hugen